I can certainly look back and see areas where I could have done things differently. What is the point of looking back? It can not change anything that has already been done. True, but perhaps I can see where my major mistakes were made and avoid repeating them.Most of my horrible mistakes were and are concerning relationships. From the first relationships of my life with my parents, to the current ones, with them, my siblings, my children and my friends, but most importantly my relationship with God.
Although I admit to being slightly eccentric, I do not think I am unusual when it comes to relationships. I like being around people that make it clear that they like being around me. Sometimes we do not have a choice in relationships, as in family ties, we do not get to choose our parents or siblings. I am aware that my parents could have chosen to give me to someone else, (many times I felt that they, and my siblings, wished I had been donated to some other family at birth.) Most of the time in elementary school you do not choose your teacher. Often times we begin a job with one boss and in time have a different one. So, all of our relationships are not self appointed, but how we conduct ourselves in the relationship is definitely a choice.
I am making some new friends. Since my husband died, I find myself in new situations, or rather different than they used to be. For seventeen years, I would never have considered whether a man was single, in my age bracket, or would be "a good husband." I had a good husband, I was very satisfied. Now, all of those things cross my mind. It is not that I have ever been blind to whether I considered a person (male or female) good looking or attractive for other reasons, it is that now I am single and I am not satisfied.
Some women are happy in their work, some find joy in their relationships with their girlfriends, some make children the focal point of lives, others can be satisfied with just having the friendship of a man or men. While I find that all of these situations are fine, I am a woman that wants to be married. I want the intimacy that only comes by being part of a team. Helping people in general, is great, but it is so much more gratifying to reap the benefits of helping one's husband or wife.
Recently I found a poem www.youtube.com/embed/AzCUGhdnGvI that I just can not get out of my mind. I go back to it time and again. I am interpreting it, looking for the reasons it draws me so effortlessly. I admire the ability that Ms. Shire has with words. What a gift to have the capacity to put on paper the essence of her love.
It has been a short six months since my husband died. He will never be forgotten, but it is time for me to quit crying. I want to dance with a flesh and blood man, not just sway to music with my memories. Patience has never been my strong suit, but I think in this matter I will have to learn it. If there is anything I have learned in my fifty-one years, love does not come in a moment, but it never dies. Until Later ~ Rita Darlene.
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