Dispair

That awkward moment when you realize that it has already been as good as it is going to get in this life, but you have to keep going anyway. You did not see a post from me yesterday, because that is how I felt. Today, however, I read (Psalm 119:37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way.) and have hope.

I do not know how many friends or people that read this have lost a mate. If you have not, then you do not know the heart crushing, emotional roller coaster of feelings that are a challenge to overcome each and every day. I have had people that were very close to me die and it was hard emotionally, (especially when my grandmother, who was also my best friend, died at the end of 2001,)but a spouse is so different. I want to have joy and I do enjoy time with my family and friends. The grandchildren are sure to bring a smile and the hugs are pure and sweet.

The most difficult emotion seems to be the "guilt" of having a good time. The realization at the end of a day that I woke up, prayed, studied, went on about my business of living and that it might have taken ten or twelve hours before I missed my husband. Then, there are the days when I have spent time with a nice man and had moments of fun or even attraction of a sort, and then do the "comparison game." 

The comparison game is just wrong all the way around. I am not boasting in this, I am confessing, I have done it. I have in the past compared myself to other women, other Christians, other people in general. It was wrong for me to do that then and it is wrong for me to compare men to my dead husband. The comparison needs to be to a standard, not a person. As Billy used to say so often, we all have peccadilloes.

pec·ca·dil·lo

ˌpekəˈdilō/

noun

noun: peccadillo; plural noun: peccadilloes; plural noun: peccadillos

1. a small, relatively unimportant offense or sin.

   synonyms:

   misdemeanor, petty offense, indiscretion, lapse, misdeed

I am a flesh and blood human woman that, much to my chagrin, is selfish and needs the admiration and companionship of a man. My husband was an excellent companion and gave me just enough praise to know that he appreciated me, but not so much that I was overly secure in my "greatness." That presence, the encouragement, the support, the laughing, the arguing, the making up, the deep discussions of our eternal future, has evaporated and left a hole in my being. How does a person recover from that?
Until Later ~ Rita Darlene