THE RUB

I am back from vacation. The house is not as inviting as it once was and I can already feel the pull to travel again. Before I can do that though, I have to get a few things settled. I am struggling a bit with the fact that I have lived fifty-one years and now find myself unsettled. I used to always have a plan for the next thing I wanted to accomplish. Now, I have to plan to make a plan.

I sit here on the couch and listen to music (the Eagles are singing You Get the Best of My Love) and blog or read stuff on Facebook. I read my Bible and pray for clarity. I meditate and do things for charity. I encourage a friend and yell at my daughter. Sometimes hours or days go by without anyone calling or texting and I begin to wonder whether I am important to anyone at all. (Now Edie Adams sings That's All.)

The truth is, I want a hand to hold, I want someone to kiss good-night, someone with whom to share a poem, a song, a view, a dance, a drive, a future. The thing is I had all of that and more, but the death of my husband, did not kill me. I am alive and I have a lot of life left in me. I have friends that are in sad marriages and I do not want that. I want to be cherished, but not needed. I want to give myself without the expectation that I have to do it all. I want a partner, someone that understands me and loves me anyway. I tend to be selfish about things that are really unimportant. I am unrelenting when I have made up my mind, but I rarely make up my mind about anything completely.

I used to use the expression wishy-washy with contempt, now it describes me! Tonight, for example, I want to get all my laundry washed and put away, but I would walk away from it with a moments notice if my "late night friend" would call me and say let's go eat at IHOP. I want to move from this couch and accomplish something besides this internal inventory. So, until later ~ Rita Darlene